The Desire to Escape

I can sit through anything if I don’t want it to go away.

There is a feeling/thought package/mass that arises in my field of awareness that sometimes drives me to want to stop what I’m doing. It’s hard to describe in a way that conveys clearly although I bet you have the same experience I do. It keeps you moving.

In fact, it may keep you moving all the time. You may be unable to sit still without your system beginning to explode. I understand.

There is a sensation package that is uncomfortable. It contains thoughts and a “knowing” that we don’t want to be doing what we are currently doing. In this case trying to remain still while getting the mind to stay fixed in a spot of my choosing. The sensations and thoughts are all bound together in a ball – hence the term mass, a good one that comes from our Scientologist friends. A mass contains unconscious content that is bound together and can’t be viewed individually. Part of their practice involves the opening and separation of masses. It’s a powerful tool.

In my case the massy ‘desire to escape’ is not to be opened and explored but ignored as I effort to get attention fixed on each number in the count, one at a time. I am not allowed to wallow in it, investigate it, view it, block it, or do anything else with it. My job is to let it fall away by getting myself present with my focal point (object) of choice. When sufficient contact is made it drops off.

My morning got away from me this morning so I had to sit for practice in the evening. I didn’t want to be there. I had to force myself to do it. The public announcement of my daily practice plus my commitment to writing here was helpful. I may not have meditated today had I not had those drivers floating in the background.

I spent most of an hour identified with the experience of not wanting to be there.

I could see/feel the stability of presence with the numbers just out of reach but I could not get there beyond a few brief moments of contact made six or seven times during the sit.

For the most part I sat for an hour immersed deeply in the feeling of not wanting to be there and wanting to escape.

The timer chime was a relief.

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