A Demon Reveals Itself

New Year’s resolution fail yesterday. I meditated but did not post to the blog.

I had the same experience in practice both days. My mind was in dreadful shape, I was heavily fogged and I was experiencing intense distraction via excitation. Today in particular I wasn’t even close to making contact with the numbers.

Except when I ramped up the effort to get there.

I could see/hear/feel the number in my mind’s eye but I could not conjure it. For that is what I’m doing for an hour each day: conjuring my own reality then working to get present with it.

After most of an hour of failed effort I began to notice something interesting. Whenever I got reasonably close to generating a number within my field of awareness objections would arise. I was desperately trying to ignore them and get myself to the destination but they became pervasive. Eventually they un-massed and became a set of feeling/sensations combined with a thought package that kept trying to convince me I didn’t really want to make contact with the numbers. That success was not okay. That the desired result was somehow artificial or not natural.

I realized I have a program package inside my mind/body system that resists attainment.

Surprise, surprise.

Who says demons aren’t real?

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